I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
