listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
