ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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