i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
