my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
