So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
