I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
