I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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