the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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