I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
