I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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