hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
