And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
