Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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