i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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