Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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