if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
