she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
