Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're a waste of cheezeits
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
