He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
