i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
