I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
