We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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