you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
