Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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