i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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