I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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