I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
