My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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