I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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