Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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