Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
