I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
