I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
