I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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