The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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