Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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