Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
