1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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