Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
