mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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