So drunk, too bad you don't want this
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
