i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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