girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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