By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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