Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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