ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
