when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I could fuck to npr.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
