I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
