I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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