K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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