After last night, I could never be a politician.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
