just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
