Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
