i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
