i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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