I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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