....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
