those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
