I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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