The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
