well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i came on her dog
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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