I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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